Hi all,
Today I am writing about the daemons of self-sabotage because they are afflicting me right now. I am about to complete a project and I feel these daemons kicking in with all their fury. So I started by examining why I had these daemons still and after searching articles on the Internet and doing a meditation I realised on a subconscious level I was scared of success because I felt I didn't deserve it . Oh yes I had succeeded in other area's of life, that was OK but being a spiritual teacher - that I didn't feel I deserved. And oh the irony - in this area I have been accused of false modesty.
What was comforting is to see how widespread these daemons are. Now I don't mean by that I take glory in any one else's suffering just that there is comfort in that what affects you and me also affects the great and the good. And the comfort is that people have accomplished great things in spite of their daemons.
Usually I live with full awareness of my Soul but when these daemons kick in I feel small and unworthy. So I went back to the place where that feeling originated. And of course it originated in my childhood. I had a heavily critical and abusive father who both put me down and also expected to me at the same time to save the world. And I must admit at this point that I cried. I cried for that hurt little child who never deserved any of the bad things that happened to her. I realised that the compassion I extended to my father and my family I did not always extend to myself .
I also came to realise that overcommitment was a part of my self-sabotaging behaviour. So I decided to take today off. Today I am going to walk in the park( but not to get calories off.) Today I write this for myself. (If it helps others that is also good but it was written today for my own healing). That hurt little girl deserves a break and a treat. Today she is going out to play.
As always,
Blessed be,
KK
Today I am writing about the daemons of self-sabotage because they are afflicting me right now. I am about to complete a project and I feel these daemons kicking in with all their fury. So I started by examining why I had these daemons still and after searching articles on the Internet and doing a meditation I realised on a subconscious level I was scared of success because I felt I didn't deserve it . Oh yes I had succeeded in other area's of life, that was OK but being a spiritual teacher - that I didn't feel I deserved. And oh the irony - in this area I have been accused of false modesty.
What was comforting is to see how widespread these daemons are. Now I don't mean by that I take glory in any one else's suffering just that there is comfort in that what affects you and me also affects the great and the good. And the comfort is that people have accomplished great things in spite of their daemons.
Usually I live with full awareness of my Soul but when these daemons kick in I feel small and unworthy. So I went back to the place where that feeling originated. And of course it originated in my childhood. I had a heavily critical and abusive father who both put me down and also expected to me at the same time to save the world. And I must admit at this point that I cried. I cried for that hurt little child who never deserved any of the bad things that happened to her. I realised that the compassion I extended to my father and my family I did not always extend to myself .
I also came to realise that overcommitment was a part of my self-sabotaging behaviour. So I decided to take today off. Today I am going to walk in the park( but not to get calories off.) Today I write this for myself. (If it helps others that is also good but it was written today for my own healing). That hurt little girl deserves a break and a treat. Today she is going out to play.
As always,
Blessed be,
KK
